Streetlight Inspiration 2.0

“And when you wake up, everything is gonna be fine. I guarantee that you wake in a better place, in a better time. So you’re tired of livin’ you feel like you might give in, well don’t. It’s not your time.”
-Thomas Kalnoky, Streetlight Manifesto

      One night, around 2:00 am, I heard a knock on my door. Having only fallen asleep to the sound of rain about an hour before, I was groggy and annoyed that someone would be at my apartment at this hour. As a struggled to wake up and make myself presentable (I sleep in my underwear), the knockings increased in frequency and intensity. When I finally reached the door and opened it, I found a wet mass of hair flung into my face. Her arms wrapped around my midsection, and based on the sobs I heard, water wasn’t the only reason she was wet.
She pulled herself away after a few minutes and I realized who it was. Annie Stoddard. I hadn’t seen this girl since our high school senior graduation party, three years prior. She had been the girlfriend of my own best friend, Joshua, throughout our high school years and as such we had become good friends as well. But only that. Just friends. In my mind, she was always Josh’s, and it felt like that was the way it was meant to be. They were happy that way and I would never want to make my own friends unhappy. I had my own girlfriends off and on, but never did I have what Annie and Josh did. Although we fell out of contact when I went to a different college than they did, I always assumed that they would have been married, possibly even have a kid by now. I was about to find out just how wrong I had been.
“Annie!” I exclaimed, crouching slightly so I could speak at eye level to her, “I haven’t seen you in ages! What’s the matter? Why are you here in the middle of the night?”
“I… I…” her voice faltered as she was caught up by another round of tears. Putting my arms around her shoulders, I led her to my couch and sat down. After a few moments, she managed to pull herself together enough to talk. “I didn’t know where else to turn. Everything in my life has gone downhill in the past few years.”
“What happened?” I asked, “You seemed to set at the end of high school. You and Josh were headed to a great college and…” At the mention of Josh’s name, Annie burst into tears once again. “I’m sorry….” I stammered, unsure of myself at this point, “can you please tell me what has happened?”
Annie took a deep breath. “Well, a lot has happened since we last talked. It’s a real shame we never remained kept contact with each other.” At this, I nodded in agreement. It was a shame. Maybe whatever happened to her never would have… I tried to push this thought from my mind as Annie continued.

After high school, Josh and I moved down south while you went up north. We missed you terribly, but Josh and I were happy together, so I’m ashamed to say we were fine without you. We were living in a 4th floor apartment only two blocks from campus. School was great and things couldn’t have been better. Until Josh’s 21st birthday. He decided that he was going to celebrate by drinking, since he could now legally do so. While he only had a small amount that first night, it became a regular occurrence. Every Friday night, he went out drinking with his buddies. He said he’d bring me along, except I wasn’t yet 21.
      Soon, he was coming home stumbling, drunk off his butt. Not only this, but when he was sober, he began to become depressed. I implored him to go to a doctor or psychiatrist or something to deal with his depressed state. But he refused. He knew that whomever he saw about his problem would order him to cease the alcohol. So the drinking just kept getting worse.
The school year progressed with Josh’s grades becoming steadily worse. His decline into alcoholism was accompanied by violence whenever I disagreed with him. Some of my girlfriends implored me to leave him, but I just couldn’t. I still remember the good old days, back in high school, before the booze. I kept hoping that I would be able to turn him back, to remind him of what he used to be. I realized just how wrong I was about a month ago.
At about 4:00 am Saturday morning, one month ago, Josh once again came home, drunker than I had ever seen him before. As he came into our room, he was shouting something intelligible. I asked him to calm down and to just come to bed. He continued to stagger about our room, yelling ever louder. I stood up with my back to the window and began to shout back; condemning him for his habits and all that he has been doing with his booze and under its influence. He yelled at me again, and all I caught was “you dirty whore!” He then lunged at me. I dodged to the left, and he hit the window, shattering it, and falling through to the ground. I was instantly in shock and stood staring out the window for a good hour. Someone else had called the police and Josh’s body had been taken away.
Two weeks later, I finally decided to go back to class. I hadn’t done anything at all the past two weeks. I wandered campus, sleeping on park benches because I couldn’t go back to our apartment. In those two weeks, I was completely behind in all my classes. I had no idea what was going on. After a week of confusion, I officially withdrew from school. I wandered around for a few days, unsure of myself and trying to find something that was missing. I slowly made my way north until I was in the same city as you. However, two days ago, I decided I couldn’t find what was missing. I decided my whole life had been lost when Josh succumbed to alcohol. I decided to end my connection to this world.
At about 6:00 pm yesterday (8 hours before I came here), I stood on a bridge looking into the water below. It looked to me like the fall would kill me. That was what I wanted, so I jumped. I was wrong. The bridge was not as high as I would’ve thought, and the river was much deeper and the current much weaker than I ever thought. When I hit the water, I initially thought I’m still alive. Oh well, it’s just water. I’ll drown. Suddenly, I remembered who was in this city. I remembered you. I swam to shore and lay on the sand for a moment. Soon it was dark and raining. I wandered back to the road and somehow, subconsciously, remember your address from that letter you sent us so long ago. That’s when I came here.

As Annie finished her story, I sat in silence for a moment. The rain and wind outside had begun to pick up. I placed my arm around Annie’s shoulder to comfort her. “Annie….” I began. “I’m sorry to hear about all of this. You two were my good friends. I wish you had called me to let me know what Josh had been doing.”
She sniffed and said, “It seemed silly to call you up out of nowhere just to tell you that Josh was becoming an alcoholic. You hadn’t done much more than us to keep in contact, so I figured that you wouldn’t even care.”
That hit me hard. Again, the thought hit me that this situation may have been avoided if only I had remained in contact with my good friends from high school. “I’m so sorry, Annie,” I finally said, on the verge of tears myself, “If only we had remained in contact with each other. Maybe I could have done something to stop Josh’s destructive behavior…”
“No!” Annie exclaimed, sitting up and staring me down. “This isn’t your fault in any way! There was no way you could have known. Josh wasn’t listening to anyone. Even his drinking buddies felt he was going too far. You wouldn’t have been able to do anything.”
“Still,” I said, “I shouldn’t have remained your friends. We used to be so close.”
We sat in silence again for a moment. Finally, I spoke, “Annie, you don’t want to be following Josh’s path. Attempted suicide is a serious issue. I think you need to see a professional.”
Annie sat a stared into space for a moment, simultaneously on the verge of speech and tears. Finally, barely audible, she whispered “I know…”
Smiling to myself, I said, “If you want, I can take you in the morning. You’re welcome to sleep in my bed if you want. I’ll take the couch.”
“Ok…” Annie said, “But can we do something else first? Maybe watch a movie? I’m not quite ready to go to bed.”
“Sure,” I replied. As I stood up to pick a movie, I back to Annie and said, “I promise it’s going to be ok Annie. You’ll go to bed and wake up and I guarantee you’ll wake in a better place and time. You’ll be ok. It’s not your time to go.”  We put a movie in and I made a little popcorn. About 5:00, the movie ended and Annie was sound asleep on my shoulder. I carried her into my room and set her on my bed. I went back into the living room and took the couch, falling asleep quickly.
Annie stayed with me for about a month. She saw a physiatrist three times while living with me. I maintained sleeping on the couch, giving her my bed. Things were going well; she was smiling a lot and joking about life. I thought we might have had a future together.
However, apparently Annie wasn’t thinking the same thing. One morning, I woke up rather late. It was strangely quiet, so I went into my bedroom to check on her. The room was empty, the bed was made, and there was a well written note on the dresser. Slowly moving towards it, I picked it up and read:
      Hey,
I’m sorry to just leave on such short notice. I just couldn’t stay with you. I have to put my past behind me, forget as much as I can about Josh and you and our friendship from high school. The memories are just too painful. I’m turning into something that I never thought I’d have to be again. I’ve gone to find a way to end my pain, and I’d rather you didn’t follow me. I want you to forget about me just as I am trying to forget about you. It may be sad, but life goes on without me. Thanks for listening and for the shoulder to cry on.
-Annie
As I finished reading the message, one part stood out to me. “I’ve gone to find a way to end my pain.” She’s still suicidal. I grabbed my coat and put my shoes on. I ran out the door. I had no idea where she would go, but I had to find her. She could run, but I’ll be following. As I searched for her, I regularly bought newspapers and searched the obituaries, praying I would not find her name. I never did, so I never lost hope of finding her eventually. She may have told me to forget about her, but I’m here to testify to all who read this, I cannot. I cannot forget one of the two greatest friends I’ve ever had, especially since I had just lost the other.
In closing, Annie, if you ever see this, I want you to know that I will be there for you. I support any decision you make. But rather than buy flowers to put on your grave, I’d like to take you somewhere. Help you forget what has happened, and to recover and move on. You are my friend, I love you, and I will do whatever it takes to help. Please let me.  Know that I am here and I can lead you home.